Bridegroom always wants some thing and their demands never end up. They will ask gold rings for every relative. This is a sign of acceptance as our cultured society tells. Bride’s family have to give boy’s family Refrigerator, car, television, cooler, air conditioner, bike etc etc. In Haryana I hear the boys talking usually, “ Bas ek baar thik thak job lag jae car or cash to shaadi mai aana hi hai”. Boy’s mother has her own plans eg,” Waise to hmare ghar sab kuch hai ji, aap apni beti ko kuch dena chahte hai to cash de dena. Waise hamari koi demand nahi hai”. They want gold rings for every family member in the house. Girl’s family has keen interest in watching,” CNBC AAwaz” or “Zee Bussiness”, channels to keep an eye on the current gold prizes.
Giving Rs. 100 is a sign of respect every time boy’s family visit the girl’s house once the deal is final. Oh! That’s part of culture,” Hum rishtedaro ko khali haath nahi bhejte”. Why we do not give them some sweets instead?
Other side things are more funny when some one legalize it that,” Ji 100 se kum do to rehne dena”. Girl’s families have their stories to tell later how greedy boy’s family is, still they pay. In the case of Father-in-law, mother-in-law or boy, sister and brother prize go high from rs. 500-100. They keep accepting the money and keep saying,” Ji paise ko kami thode hai hamare ghar, ab aap itna ijat se de rahe hai to..” Girl’s families say,” Khali haath nahi bhejte, ladke wale hai”. I do not know why girl’s family always thinks boys’s families are superior and we are inferior because we are from girl’s side.
Within one year of marriage they want a son from their daughter-in-law. She keeps producing until she does not give a son to the family. Do not wonder for high population of this country! Few so called educated who have knowledge about technology kills a baby girl in womb. New method of family planning, you know!
I still remember a woman in civil Hosptial, who was there for the check up. She might be in her mid twenties. She was having two babies. One was crying and sticking with her feet. Second one whom she was holding in her arms. Another one was in her womb for which she was there for the check up.
It’s very common to hear,” women do not have brains in head, they have it in the knees”. This shows how we look at a women and how we think about her when she keeps producing only because the family wants a boy, who can run their mindless clan. She is not a machine. I wonder how they tolerate so much.
We always say youth are adopting western culture. Stop blame game. Accept your harsh realities where we do not want to see beyond the illogical cultural walls. I am quite frank to say western people are more civilized than us, more educated than us, freer, more independent, and more liberal, they do not intrude in personal spaces very much. We shout culture all the way still why we are so uncultured? why we do not feel shame on ourselves when we made a bond of marriage a human transition ?
At last I think it’s not about rich, poor or middle class, I see all are in same race in different ways, pretending every thing cultural and hiding our ugly realities of greed beyond the walls of culture.
Is not it better to live alone than to getting in this trap forever?
There was an article i read on," Youth Ki Aawaj", written by , " Elisha Mittal", I am agree with her views too. Here are some logical things.
The East is constantly looked upon by the rest of the world, particularly the west, for morals, value systems and religious beliefs. Hundreds and thousands of them travel to the East in search of peace or some sort of enlightenment. And, India has always been the favorite country when it comes to the hunt for morals.
marriage
One thing that has always been held high by India like a shining trophy is its institution of arrange marriage and customs that believe in tethering two people together for life. Hinduism alone describes eight types of marriages. Among them, arrange marriage is the most popular and favored way of deciding two human’s fate in India. Our ancestors probably chose to arrange their children’s weddings with the notion that if they marry them in good families (qualities of ‘good family’ largely remain unknown till date, so it’s basically based on hunch), since good families are expected to produce good sons which are undoubtedly supposed to make good husbands. Same goes for girls. (I think that’s enough history for us.)1
While I am more than glad to be born in the land of saints and sages and had my mind fully stuffed with all the morals and Hindu beliefs at a tender age just like every other Indian Hindu, I was caught by surprise when I recently learned about the hollowness of the whole so-praised-by-west value system of ours.
The ancient logic has clearly failed to live through modern times. Recently, one of my friends got interviewed by a prospective family. While the guy was shy and probably suffered from peachy-soft-voice syndrome, apart from that he was pretty decent and didn’t really seem to care much about what was happening around (or so, my friend gathered). In India, marriage is not just about gluing two people together, but more about gluing two families together. So, parents are the ones who lay all the ground rules of marriage. His mother did. His mother was really something. Sweet old woman and a teacher by profession but extremely trained at clearly spelling what she wanted.
Here’s her requirement sheet:1
1. Girl should get up at 5 and cook, since she’s a teacher and of course will be needing lunch.
2. Girl should do everything on her own, without hiring help, because she is not a fan of not-doing-thing-on-your-own. (Neither I nor my friend are sure what it means exactly.)
3. Girl should bear a son. (Her son was her third kid after two girls, so it’s more than obvious. And people wonder how we became a nation of 1.237 billion people.)1
4. Girl should welcome their relatives. (Well, another bizarre thing. We are still trying to figure out what it means).
5. Girl should bring shit load of money along as bonus. (Demands were obviously disguised in words like we don’t want anything but you should give enough to feel good about. Just one question: Who exactly feels good about giving their hard-earned-money away to someone else? Now, someone should make a movie called Scumbag-Wanna-Be-Millionaire-By-Marrying).
So, basically this was an opening for son-bearing-reproductive-machine cum maid cum shortcut-to-truckloads-of-money. Phew! I am so glad she rejected the job. (Well, in case there are any takers, she doesn’t mind passing on the number.)1
Since the time she narrated me the whole experience, I have been searching for those damn morals and values that we, as Indians, choke upon right from the day we are born. Where are those much-talked-about-values in this whole business of marriage? On careful analysis, you would realize that arrange marriages are anything but a mere business transaction. Yes, you read it correctly! For one, there is commodity of value involved – the groom. Two, money exchanges hand; money is showered incessantly by the bride’s family (sometimes with more than eight zeros). Hence, derived. Arrange marriages are serious business. And, there are no real ethics in business. Are there?
No one knows exactly what they are buying. The groom seller obviously is busy painting the best picture the buyer has seen. The groom is busy acting like a product not reacting to dowry or anything else (It only makes sense, since that is what stationary things do). So, mostly someone is always getting scammed in this business.
No wonder domestic violence is an epidemic in India. What more can marriages based on printed numbers bring in a relationship otherwise considered so pious by Indians? Isn’t it time to put our modern education and ancient values to use by mending the flawed institution of arrange marriages? For starters, these are few new traditions we can encourage and practice without corrupting our shiny-invisible-morals:
1. Both sides split wedding expense in half.1
2. Make the day more about bride and groom, instead of making it about uncles and aunt and their expensive gifts that leave holes in the bride’s father’s pocket.
3. Limit your guest list. For instance, chuck your neighbor’s neighbors. Just because someone else is paying for food, doesn’t mean you should invite every single person you know.
4. ‘Just Married’ car doesn’t always have to be extorted from bride’s family. No real pride in that. Its time your son bought one for himself, himself!
5. Groom’s parent should remind themselves every day, at least once, that their son did not get into a good college and took up a good job for someone else or so that someone could reimburse the cost with interest in future. Repeat more than once if needed.
This is not a write-up about lighting a torch up against dowry or arrange marriages. It is just a reminder of how we fail our value system everyday along with wise and old members of our society. It just explores the idea that maybe it’s time for us to act upon those morals that have been fed profusely and marry not based on money or requirement for maid. Try love for a change, or maybe compatibility if nothing else.2
P.S.: Beware of the big Indian wedding scam!2
Giving Rs. 100 is a sign of respect every time boy’s family visit the girl’s house once the deal is final. Oh! That’s part of culture,” Hum rishtedaro ko khali haath nahi bhejte”. Why we do not give them some sweets instead?
Other side things are more funny when some one legalize it that,” Ji 100 se kum do to rehne dena”. Girl’s families have their stories to tell later how greedy boy’s family is, still they pay. In the case of Father-in-law, mother-in-law or boy, sister and brother prize go high from rs. 500-100. They keep accepting the money and keep saying,” Ji paise ko kami thode hai hamare ghar, ab aap itna ijat se de rahe hai to..” Girl’s families say,” Khali haath nahi bhejte, ladke wale hai”. I do not know why girl’s family always thinks boys’s families are superior and we are inferior because we are from girl’s side.
Within one year of marriage they want a son from their daughter-in-law. She keeps producing until she does not give a son to the family. Do not wonder for high population of this country! Few so called educated who have knowledge about technology kills a baby girl in womb. New method of family planning, you know!
I still remember a woman in civil Hosptial, who was there for the check up. She might be in her mid twenties. She was having two babies. One was crying and sticking with her feet. Second one whom she was holding in her arms. Another one was in her womb for which she was there for the check up.
It’s very common to hear,” women do not have brains in head, they have it in the knees”. This shows how we look at a women and how we think about her when she keeps producing only because the family wants a boy, who can run their mindless clan. She is not a machine. I wonder how they tolerate so much.
We always say youth are adopting western culture. Stop blame game. Accept your harsh realities where we do not want to see beyond the illogical cultural walls. I am quite frank to say western people are more civilized than us, more educated than us, freer, more independent, and more liberal, they do not intrude in personal spaces very much. We shout culture all the way still why we are so uncultured? why we do not feel shame on ourselves when we made a bond of marriage a human transition ?
At last I think it’s not about rich, poor or middle class, I see all are in same race in different ways, pretending every thing cultural and hiding our ugly realities of greed beyond the walls of culture.
Is not it better to live alone than to getting in this trap forever?
There was an article i read on," Youth Ki Aawaj", written by , " Elisha Mittal", I am agree with her views too. Here are some logical things.
The East is constantly looked upon by the rest of the world, particularly the west, for morals, value systems and religious beliefs. Hundreds and thousands of them travel to the East in search of peace or some sort of enlightenment. And, India has always been the favorite country when it comes to the hunt for morals.
marriage
One thing that has always been held high by India like a shining trophy is its institution of arrange marriage and customs that believe in tethering two people together for life. Hinduism alone describes eight types of marriages. Among them, arrange marriage is the most popular and favored way of deciding two human’s fate in India. Our ancestors probably chose to arrange their children’s weddings with the notion that if they marry them in good families (qualities of ‘good family’ largely remain unknown till date, so it’s basically based on hunch), since good families are expected to produce good sons which are undoubtedly supposed to make good husbands. Same goes for girls. (I think that’s enough history for us.)1
While I am more than glad to be born in the land of saints and sages and had my mind fully stuffed with all the morals and Hindu beliefs at a tender age just like every other Indian Hindu, I was caught by surprise when I recently learned about the hollowness of the whole so-praised-by-west value system of ours.
The ancient logic has clearly failed to live through modern times. Recently, one of my friends got interviewed by a prospective family. While the guy was shy and probably suffered from peachy-soft-voice syndrome, apart from that he was pretty decent and didn’t really seem to care much about what was happening around (or so, my friend gathered). In India, marriage is not just about gluing two people together, but more about gluing two families together. So, parents are the ones who lay all the ground rules of marriage. His mother did. His mother was really something. Sweet old woman and a teacher by profession but extremely trained at clearly spelling what she wanted.
Here’s her requirement sheet:1
1. Girl should get up at 5 and cook, since she’s a teacher and of course will be needing lunch.
2. Girl should do everything on her own, without hiring help, because she is not a fan of not-doing-thing-on-your-own. (Neither I nor my friend are sure what it means exactly.)
3. Girl should bear a son. (Her son was her third kid after two girls, so it’s more than obvious. And people wonder how we became a nation of 1.237 billion people.)1
4. Girl should welcome their relatives. (Well, another bizarre thing. We are still trying to figure out what it means).
5. Girl should bring shit load of money along as bonus. (Demands were obviously disguised in words like we don’t want anything but you should give enough to feel good about. Just one question: Who exactly feels good about giving their hard-earned-money away to someone else? Now, someone should make a movie called Scumbag-Wanna-Be-Millionaire-By-Marrying).
So, basically this was an opening for son-bearing-reproductive-machine cum maid cum shortcut-to-truckloads-of-money. Phew! I am so glad she rejected the job. (Well, in case there are any takers, she doesn’t mind passing on the number.)1
Since the time she narrated me the whole experience, I have been searching for those damn morals and values that we, as Indians, choke upon right from the day we are born. Where are those much-talked-about-values in this whole business of marriage? On careful analysis, you would realize that arrange marriages are anything but a mere business transaction. Yes, you read it correctly! For one, there is commodity of value involved – the groom. Two, money exchanges hand; money is showered incessantly by the bride’s family (sometimes with more than eight zeros). Hence, derived. Arrange marriages are serious business. And, there are no real ethics in business. Are there?
No one knows exactly what they are buying. The groom seller obviously is busy painting the best picture the buyer has seen. The groom is busy acting like a product not reacting to dowry or anything else (It only makes sense, since that is what stationary things do). So, mostly someone is always getting scammed in this business.
No wonder domestic violence is an epidemic in India. What more can marriages based on printed numbers bring in a relationship otherwise considered so pious by Indians? Isn’t it time to put our modern education and ancient values to use by mending the flawed institution of arrange marriages? For starters, these are few new traditions we can encourage and practice without corrupting our shiny-invisible-morals:
1. Both sides split wedding expense in half.1
2. Make the day more about bride and groom, instead of making it about uncles and aunt and their expensive gifts that leave holes in the bride’s father’s pocket.
3. Limit your guest list. For instance, chuck your neighbor’s neighbors. Just because someone else is paying for food, doesn’t mean you should invite every single person you know.
4. ‘Just Married’ car doesn’t always have to be extorted from bride’s family. No real pride in that. Its time your son bought one for himself, himself!
5. Groom’s parent should remind themselves every day, at least once, that their son did not get into a good college and took up a good job for someone else or so that someone could reimburse the cost with interest in future. Repeat more than once if needed.
This is not a write-up about lighting a torch up against dowry or arrange marriages. It is just a reminder of how we fail our value system everyday along with wise and old members of our society. It just explores the idea that maybe it’s time for us to act upon those morals that have been fed profusely and marry not based on money or requirement for maid. Try love for a change, or maybe compatibility if nothing else.2
P.S.: Beware of the big Indian wedding scam!2
